Parenting Tips and Tricks for Dealing with Separation Anxiety

How would you feel if you were dropped off in the middle of a big city in a foreign country and told, “Have a great day! I’ll pick you up in 6 hours”?  Would you be scared? Excited? Anxious? Confused?  

The first day of kindergarten is a lot like that scenario, and many 5-year-olds will feel a mix of all those emotions. Starting school is a big step for little ones – and for those who love them! The first time you drop your child off at school can be extremely heart wrenching and stressful. Fear of the unknown, along with the inability to control the situation, can create separation anxiety.  

As a parent, you may feel an array of emotions: confidence in knowing your child is as attached to you as you are to them; guilt because leaving causes your child distress; and worry because you ask yourself, “Will my child be ok?” “How long will my child be upset?” “Will the teacher know how to comfort my child?” and “Should I have stayed a bit longer?”

Fortunately, there are lots of things that can be done in advance to minimize separation anxiety for both you and your child…

VISIT THE SCHOOL TOGETHER

Take a tour of the school with your child in the spring when school is in full session. Walk the hallways, explore the classrooms, try out the playground, and check out the cafeteria. Then, throughout the summer, chat about starting school. Your child will have a memory and visual picture of what that means and looks like. Familiarity creates a sense of predictability and security, making the transition to school a bit easier. If possible, repeat the experience in the fall before school begins.

INTRODUCE THE “SAFE” PEOPLE

Just like at home, school has “safe” people who care (teachers, administrators, custodians, cafeteria staff, the school nurse, etc.). Make sure your child knows who they can turn to if they ever feel unsafe.

ESTABLISH CONSISITENT ROUTINES

Routine leads to predictability, which lessens anxiety. Before summer ends, start establishing and enforcing appropriate routines, including ones for evenings and bedtime and mornings and wake up. Doing this before the academic year begins can ease the transition from summer to school, making it easier and more predictable for everyone.  

PRACTICE BEING APART

Send your little one to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s for a weekend or two – without you.  Learning and understanding that you will always come back can be a game changer.

MAKE GOODBYES QUICK, CONSISTENT, AND MEANINGFUL

Give your child your full attention and affection, then say goodbye quickly, even if they cry or try to convince you to stay. Prolonged and inconsistent goodbyes can increase anxiety.

STAY CALM AND POSITIVE

You might feel as much (or even more!) separation anxiety as your child. Remember: kids can pick up on a parent’s emotions. So, do your best to appear calm and positive (Never let them see you sweat!)

USE COMFORT ITEMS

Allow your child to take a small token of yours or a picture of you to school, if needed.

GET INVOLVED

Attend open houses, family nights, PTO meetings, and consider volunteering when possible. Success at school is a team effort on all fronts. The more involved you can be, the more comfortable you will become with your child’s school experience. Your child also will see and feel your enthusiasm, making them feel more positive about being at school. 

On the flip side, avoid becoming overly involved. Stay in your lane. The parent’s role at school is crucial, but if you push the boundaries and interfere with the roles of teachers and administrators, you will cause yourself a lot of stress and inhibit your child’s growth.

CONSULT YOUR PEDIATRICIAN

Every child (and parent) will deal with separation anxiety differently. If intense anxiety continues after the first month or so of school, and/or interferes with daily activities, speak with your pediatrician

You can find these tips on a special page in my newest picture book, The Lucky Button. Written especially for little ones about to start school, it’s a story centered around finding a sense of connection and security during times of separation and transition. It even teaches early learners about shapes, colors, and numbers. See for yourself here!