Setting Expectations that Kids Will Actually Follow (Usually!)

Children of all ages thrive when given clear, structured expectations. These expectations help to create a predictable and consistent environment that feels safe. When children feel safe, they’re more likely to display positive behaviors and meet expectations successfully.

The Basics of Setting Expectations

At Boys Town, we like to say, “If you can predict it, you can plan for it.” Think about the moments in the day that tend to bring out negative reactions in your child, such as transitioning between activities or completing non-preferred tasks. What can you do differently next time to help prevent that behavior?

In most cases, the answer starts with setting clear, structured expectations. Here’s a simple four-step process to help you do just that:

1. State the expectation.

2. Use a child-friendly reason to say why it matters.

3. Practice with them to ensure they understand the expectation correctly.

4. Praise them when you see them following the expectation.

Making your expectations as child-friendly as possible is important. Here are a few ways you can do this:   

• • • Choose developmentally appropriate words.
    • Use sensory descriptions so your child can see and hear what the behavior is supposed to look and sound like.
    • Be specific, but keep it brief so you don’t lose the child’s attention.
    • State the expectation positively. For example, saying, “Walk when you’re inside the house” instead of saying, “No running!”
    • Use child-related reasons that are meaningful to kids.

Exploring Child-Related Reasons

Boys Town encourages using child-related reasons that connect with things children find meaningful. Doing this can increase the likelihood of cooperation by up to 30 percent.

Depending on your child’s developmental level and interests, you might choose from one of these three types of reasons:

1. Avoids a negative outcome. (“If you keep your shoes tied, you won’t trip.”)

2. Benefits to self. (“If you clean up now, you’ll have more time to play later.”)

3. Concern for others. (“If you use a quiet voice, your baby brother can keep sleeping.”)

Common Barriers When Setting Expectations

Here are a few of the most common barriers or reasons why expectations are not met:

• • • Expecting children to correctly display a behavior without giving them an opportunity to practice it
    • Forgetting to praise children when they meet expectations, whether they demonstrate all (or just part) of the desired behavior
    • Failing to connect the behavior with a child-related reason

How Parents/Teachers Can Overcome Common Barriers

Overcoming the barriers described above can be done. Here are a few useful strategies you can try:

• • • Offer praise when you observe expectations being met or partially met. This can reinforce effort and build confidence.
    • Address misbehavior early, while the issue is still small. Describe the correct expectations. If time allows, give a child-related reason and practice the behavior together.
    • Use a variety of child-related reasons to help them understand why the expectation matters.

Consistency, Encouragement, and Praise!

Setting expectations that kids will follow comes down to creating a predictable and consistent environment. As you build predictability and consistency, always clearly state your expectations and provide child-friendly reasons why it’s important for kids to follow them. Create opportunities for kids to practice with you the skills and behaviors related to an expectation, so you can model and guide them. And, of course, when kids meet your expectations, reinforce their success and positive behaviors with lots of praise and encouragement.   

Boys Town National Training is a team of dedicated, experienced educators working in schools to meaningfully improve student behavior, teacher skills and school climate. They provide a proven, student-centered Model that gives educators practical, real world skills they can use to build relationships, encourage prosocial behavior and teach social skills. Through on-site and online training, consulting and coaching, trainers work side-by-side with schools to accomplish lasting results. Learn more.